Day 13 of Writing on Heritage

Posted, Painted, and Propped

As promised, here are the photos of our Heritage at Home decor. Please forgive me for the quality of these. They are for demonstration purposes only. Zero styling, too - we like to keep things real on the Bullington Board.

Davis' Room - The matching canvas safari prints on either side of the window came separately  from a consignment sale and an antique market. The scarves on the window are all from Ethiopia.

   
        The shadowbox on the opposite wall contains gifts given to Davis by his sweet Nanny who took care of him before we brought him home. She gave him a necklace with a wooden Ethiopian cross, the sash, and the silver musicians art. A picture of her holding him is in the box as well. Obviously it was very important to her that he bring Ethiopia home with him! 
       The photo album sitting on the top was a gift we sent to him when he was still at the transition home. The small shadowboxes on the dresser contain photos of the first time that we held him along with some wool animals we bought on that trip. There are also paintings on animal skin: one of another trio of musicians and one of a woman spinning wool. The amharic writing-on-board art with the clock and trumpet was made by a boy that David met when he took his trip to ET a year after we were there together. I don't know the proper translation for it, but to me it has something to do with our time having a limit - the trumpet will sound!  [For some interesting writing on how some scripture is received differently by those in the developed and developing world go to an excellent book I once read called Unexpected News: Reading the Bible with Third World Eyes.]
      We don't take great care of these items, as you can see not all of them are protected and one of the paintings is currently in use as a parking space. Or maybe I should say that we allow these treasures to be accessible to Davis - just as his culture should be.

      Before Pearl came home, Faith and I painted these big and little sister Cherry Blossom trees on the wall in the girls' room. Cherry Blossoms are celebrated in China and also in Macon, Georgia - David's home town and the place where I grew up. Macon is the Cherry Blossom Capital of the World! David and I got married in Cherry Blossom time, and we lost nearly all of our 11th anniversary traveling to China to get our girl. So these also represent the season when she came home. The red decoration was a gift from Pearl's orphanage staff.

        Here are "Baby Pearl" and "Baby Davis." Love how the American Girl Co. lets you order Baby doll "twin" sets in whatever ethnicity you choose! Pearl received this pair last Christmas and spends a lot of time lavishing her own special care on them. We sometimes call them Mavis and Merle. (For the purpose of this post I am calling them accessories.) 

      This beautiful piece of embroidery was done by the "housewives" of the embroidery museum in Hunan. The front is impressive. . .

     The back is just as lovely. [Insert well-written life metaphor here.]

        Scripture in Chinese. Well showcased amidst the dust on the top of the television hutch. (ha)

       One of my Grandmother's Magnolia paintings. I love this piece so much, and it has such wonderful associations of home and family for me, that I took three shades of blue from it and painted my foyer, living room, and dining room each one of those colors. 

 

  

I love my home!

I love my nest!

In all the world
My nest is best! 

The Best Next
 P.D. Eastman

         We have very little skill in home decorating, but we have tried to express our unique family background through our room design. Davis is due for an updated look in his room soon, and he has requested a certain crimson and white color palate, so it will be a test of creativity to blend Ethiopia and Alabama harmoniously in one space.

Day 12 of Writing on Heritage

Heritage Begins at Home

I am not a good cook. I have never made any dish that represented Ethiopian culture, and we've only taken Davis to an Ethiopian restaurant outside of Addis Ababa once. (It was a great place in Atlanta called Queen of Sheba. Davis' favorite part of the meal was the lettuce.) We've had Chinese food only a handful of times more than that. Never something I prepared. Pearl is a "spicy girl" from Hunan who has rarely tasted the bright flavors that established the spicy food = spicy people equation.

But the kitchen isn't the only room in which you can expose your kids to the culture of the place they were born. We have done a much better job integrating elements of the kids' Chinese and Ethiopian heritage into our home decor. I plan to spend a few days in next week sharing a few photos of our home and the ways in which it reflects the places where we've lived.

There are many great reasons to give a view of the wide world through different types of windows in our home. Photographs of those in different lands, artwork and stories from other cultures, and maps all help us to appreciate the diversity of the earth and, hopefully, to be less self-important.

My sister is writing through her 31 days by sharing ways in which we can decorate our homes with map art. Her blog is called Map of Home, and she has some really great ideas there of maps that are beautiful, share stories, or simply illustrate the boundaries of nations. One of my favorite maps there is this one, a map which shows the path taken by my sister's in-laws, who immigrated to America from the Philippines. I think we may need some kind of Family History Map like this for our home, so the place where we live can better reflect our heritage.

Day 11 of Writing on Heritage

Together for Adoption

Next week there will be a chance to be part of the "critical conversation" I mentioned a few days ago surrounding the ethics of adoption and orphan care. The Together for Adoption Conference will be held in Greenville, SC from the 17th -18th. We've been to a few of these conferences before. The ones we attended featured experts on all manner of issues related to adoption targeted to parents, church ministries, and church leaders and it looks like this year will be no different. This year's conference title is  URGENCY & COMPLEXITY  – Biblical & Ethical Approaches to the Orphan Crisis. 

Day 10 of Writing on Heritage

Inside Jokes

Pearl has a sly look. She points at a little boy sitting with his family across the way in the Dairy Queen and says, "I know him!"

"Oh, really, where do you know him from?" I ask.

"He was a baby in China when I was a baby in China!" she says with a grin and a giggle.  

This is no reunion. That boy is white with blond hair. We all laugh at Pearl, and she is so pleased with her silly self.

I am glad that Pearl loves to talk about her story and her homeland, even in telling her jokes. I love that she says "My China!" whenever she sees Chinese writing or anything else that represents that country to her.

When we went to China there was a family in our group that included a young girl who had been adopted from China as a baby. She was able to visit several points of interest from her own story while we were there. It was an amazing thing to think about.

Our adoption agency and many other organizations offer guided trips for children who were adopted from China - trips that allow them to discover the culture and history of their original land. These trips are often called "heritage tours."

Day 9 of Writing on Heritage

Good Reads

It is really difficult to put personal thoughts in words for this space. Attempting these 31 posts has given me even greater respect for those who have shared so well on subjects that are dear to me. Here are a few of my favorite blogs that have helped me make sense of our unique family heritage:

http://mymindonpaper.wordpress.com/ 
Kevin D. Hofmann is a bi-racial man who was adopted by white parents. His blog is a wonderful resource for transracial families. I appreciate that he makes a point of educating adoptive parents on how and how NOT to help our children and how willing he is to share his thoughts on a wide variety of racial issues.
For quick, wise advice start here: 5 Myths and 5 Truths About Race and Adoption

There was a strange time a few months ago when the deep issues surrounding adoption, orphan care, and family preservation were stirred into a sort of controversy and spread around the internet. This is a critical conversation, but so many seemed to willing to generalize about a subject that by nature resists that treatment. I wanted to address this in some way, if only to organize my own thoughts, and then I found this: Why Adoption Isn't Second Best. This post really helped me. Since then I have spent a lot of time reading other posts by Shannan on Flower Patch Farmgirl, and I really appreciate her thoughtful writing on adoption and life.

One of my first favorite blogs was Owlhaven. I love the practical advice that Mary Ostyn gives about running a large household and homeschooling. She has children that were born to her, children from Korea, and children from Ethiopia in her family, and I particularly appreciate the wisdom she shares about parenting teenagers! She has a great section on her blog detailing all of her adoption stories here.

Day 8 of Writing on Heritage

Closure

There was a strange half-formed idea in my mind when we began the adoption process, that since we were adopting internationally we would bring the kids home and shut the door. That there would be a clear line between past and present. Turn the page, new chapter. A closed adoption.

In some ways it is like that, but in many important (and good) ways it is not. And I am just speaking for myself. My children will have their own sense of their story. Their interpretation of their story will belong to them. 

I was able to see a documentary called Closure at the Created for Care event early this year. It is a remarkable, well-made film about an adopted daughter's search for her birth parents. Must-see stuff for any adoptive family or birthmother/father. The movie is very respectful in its treatment of all the people involved in her adoption story. Watching the way the young woman at the center of the film was completely supported in her search by her adoptive parents really impressed upon me the importance of giving my children space to put the pieces of their own story together.

Seeing this film also made me grateful for the ways in which our door is not closed completely. For their sake and for mine.

Day 7 of Writing on Heritage

Brothers and Sisters

Davis and Faith pray for an older sibling. It is a side-effect of adoption that they are aware that you can build your family in a different order than those who go the traditional route. I tell them that we don't have that plan yet, but to keep praying because I would never say never.  Never.

Here is one from the vault that celebrates our little brother/sisters team.  A few of the photos in this slideshow illustrate the collective personality of our threesome and how well they bonded from the start of being in that number:


Friends from Leslie Bullington on Vimeo.

Day 6 of Writing on Heritage

Photo Essay
 

 I was going to try to skip today's writing by finding a bunch of cute photos of the kids and throwing them on here as my heritage post-of-the-day.  There is a nice stretchiness to this word that I thought I could (and may yet) expand to cover our everyday life.  But when I was looking back over the last few years in pictures I stopped on this and wanted to think about it a minute.

This is a photo of the civil office where we signed our paperwork for Pearl. She was getting her footprint taken - tiny, in red ink- for some document. This photo seems to mark a passage in more ways than one. 

I had more words for this, but I think they are mostly written. In the ancient landscape behind. In the two of us bending over Pearl. Caring for her together for a moment.

Day 5 of Writing on Heritage

Caublinasian

I remember when Tiger Woods made up this word - a hybrid of Caucasian, Black, Indian, and Asian to describe his heritage and there was a national. . .discussion.  I can't recall much about the details of the controversy, but I think it may have been one of those situations where some people saw denial, some people saw confusion, and some people saw no-big-deal-why-are-we-talking-about-this.  I probably fell into the third group at the time.  The conversation didn't resonate with me much.

Today I find this word useful.  I sometimes say I have a Caublinasian family, though the only Indian part of us (that we know of) is just a trace of American Indian that comes from a some-number-of-greats (three, I think) grandmother on my mother's side.

Typically people get their racial identity from their ancestors, but I feel I have received mine in part from my descendants.  A reverse inheritance? I wonder if it is as controversial for me to claim their race as my own as it was for Tiger Woods to want to include more than the world could know about him in his self-identification. My claim might give worse offense, since my inclusion has nothing at all to do with my actual bloodline. Or it might give no offense, because I am not quite as famous.

It was very surprising to me how different the world felt after I had a child of another race.  I always thought I had a good understanding about the issues surrounding racism and prejudice, but that understanding did not run as deep into my heart as it does now.  I did not hurt as I should have before for the major and minor injustices still being perpetrated.  I didn't feel sick over these things like I do. Today.

It shouldn't have taken adoption to give me a tender heart.  It shouldn't have taken watching the news and fear for my own son to wake me up to the danger that so many mother's sons face in the world.  There are a few ways I use the word "we" now. And we have a ways to go.

Day 4 of Writing on Heritage

Good Hair

A few years ago we were going somewhere in the car and Davis asked me when his hair would be like Faith's and Pearl's.

Wow.  Here it is.  The moment when Davis has the sense that he is not alright.  That he does not fit in our family.  This is sad, but I am so ready for it!  I affirm the beauty of his gorgeous curls, brown eyes, brown skin. I talk for a while about how even though we have differences there is more that is the same.  I talk.

And Davis listens.

And then he speaks again. "But when am I going have pigtails." And he said a few more things I don't remember that told me that this was not that moment.  This was not that conversation.

And that conversation has not come in that way yet, but we have spoken a lot about race.  I try to stay ahead of my children's questions in case they are wondering about things for which they don't have words.

But not that far ahead.

There are some books that we have read together that have helped. This one is one that we have.

There are a bunch of other good books and resources for kids about adoption listed here.

Day 3 of Writing on Heritage

Love Makes a Family

Permission to love is one of the greatest gifts of family.  This may not be the most romantic language, but the vows we take as marrying couples establish a set of permissions - each promises to allow the other to be the one who loves, honors, obeys, comforts in sickness, to be the companion through all the circumstances of life. Sacred permissions. Responsibilities are also rights. 

Same goes for parents and children, even though the permissions are born with the child instead of in ceremony. Most of the time. We had ceremonies!  On three continents! And through these we gained all new permissions!  Rights! Responsibilities!

We were strangers and now we had all these claims on each other.  Beautiful claims. 

Pearl was so sad when we first held her.  The information we received on her before we met her said that she was afraid of strangers, and that held true for her.  I was so sad for her and prepared myself to patiently wait out the days (weeks?) while she slowly warmed up to us.  

It took about 24 hours.  This 11-month-old baby girl who had never been able to claim anyone as hers took one day to settle herself into our arms and us into her heart. In one day she made the distinction between us - family - and everyone else. She was her whole sweet affectionate self with us.  She had only tears for anyone else who as much as looked at her.

It was astounding to me that she had this enormous capacity to love that she so freely gave to us so quickly. It was obvious that she had had all of this affection that she was just waiting to share with her family. 

I know it does not always happen like this - that there is often a longer time needed for a child to learn to trust, and those for whom affection comes too easily and is a sign of other difficulties - but there are so many like Pearlie.  So many with a healthy desire for connection just waiting for someone to extend to them the permission to love.

The good news of the gospel is that we have the right to love God.  Not only the right - we are commanded to love Him.  All of us were created with this capacity to worship, to love, to adore.  Originally we were in sacred relationship with Him. We lost permission to the relationship through our disobedience, but He sacrificed to restore this. To give us an inheritance through Christ. To permit us to love Him and be loved by Him.  To claim us as His. 

Day 2 of Writing on Heritage

Who Do You Think You Are?

I haven't seen a full episode of the TV show with this name, but I've seen enough to be bothered by it - this title, the suggestion by this program that you find a form of identity through ancestry.  Shouldn't it at least be "Who Do You Think They Were?" (I know, not as cute.) I do appreciate genealogy.  I am just not sure what importance should be placed on knowledge gained from it. Definitely not enough importance to be the answer of the question of who you really are.
But maybe this is the hypersensitive rant of someone whose reality as a parent is sometimes questioned.
Where are his real parents?
But what is her real name? (yes, oddly that)
I used to think parents who fretted over family tree assignments for their kids who came to their family through adoption at a very young age were over-complicating things.  Adoption grafts our kids right into our family tree, right?  No problem.  Fill in the boxes, done. I would still handle the situation like that for us, but I do have a greater appreciation for the thoughts and feelings that some bring to any representation of family that doesn't tell the whole story. I can understand why some might think it dishonest not to admit that our family tree does have connections that don't fit the typical diagram. Dishonest or disrespectful.  Or ungrateful.
How do I clarify this for myself and my children? This generation on our family tree is like the canopy of the rain forest - twisted and tangled together with other families, nations, people groups?
Twisted together, but not really one. Rooted in different places.
Everyone's family history is full of surprises - I guess Who Do You Think You Are shows that?  Sometimes it takes generations for mysteries to develop. Sometimes they develop in an instant.
How do I practice good stewardship of our family story? How do I avoid oversimplifying or overemphasizing any one part? Above all I want to continually remind myself and my children of the truth.  That the really real, complete story has room for all of this.  All the hard and the beautiful. That there is an Author of Everything who is bringing a new people group together, a new kingdom, a new family.
A new heritage for all who will receive it.

31 Days of Writing on Heritage

Scroll down for Day 1.

Day 2  Who Do You Think You Are?

Day 3 Love Makes a Family 

Day 4 Good Hair 

Day 5 Caublinasian 

Day 6 Photo Essay 

Day 7 Brothers and Sisters 

Day 8 Closure 

Day 9 Good Reads 

Day 10 Inside Jokes 

Day 11 Together for Adoption

Day 12 Heritage Begins at Home

Day 13 Posted, Painted, and Propped

I sort of quit blogging.  I didn't intend to leave the Bullington Board behind, but there have been so many reasons not to take time to write here.  Some of those reasons were practical - those two years where Pearl didn't sleep, for example - and some of the reasons had to do with my super slow mental processing speed (remember the time when I wrote about our Ethiopia adoption trip a FULL YEAR after it happened?)  It also seemed like this blog lost its purpose when we no longer had a need to inform people about our steps along the adoption journey(s?) for Davis and Pearl.  But I have been looking for a way back to the blog, so here it is.

My sister told me about the Nester's 31 day writing project a few days ago.  I loved this idea, but I didn't know what subject I would cover or how I would ever have time to write.  Then there was a conversation in the car this morning about animal topiary trees.  (No, I am not going to write about topiary trees - though that would be awesome!)  Davis has asked me many times lately about what type of bushes he would need if he were going to cut them into animal shapes.  This morning he was on this again, and he told me that if he made animal bushes for our yard, he would make a dragon for Pearl since dragons "mostly come from China" and a giraffe for himself, for Ethiopia.  It reminded me how much I find myself considering issues surrounding identity, culture, race, and family. Heritage. I often think better by reading (links!) and writing through things, so I am looking forward to spending some time (maybe not 31 times, and maybe not actually on time since this is a late start, but aren't goals great?!) writing on heritage and pinning my notes to the Bullington Board.

Will We Ever Know?